Most people who know me are surprised, when they get to know me better, to find out that I have incredibly low self-esteem. I've fought it all my life. Even when I'm happy and successful, I feel like I'm a loser.
Where does that come from? Some say it's a tool Satan uses to make us miserable. Some say it's a chemical thing. Some say it's hereditary. I think it might be a combination of all those things.
Some people are addicted to smoking, drugs, alcohol, food, pornography, and other things. When I think about self-esteem issues, it's like an addiction. I go to my Unhappy Place and say,
"You're the worst Father ever."
"You're the worst husband ever."
"There has never been a worse Manager in the history of business."
"You're a crappy church member."
"Not only your immediate family, but your entire family, near and far, world-wide, hate you."
"Your God is very disappointed with you. He thinks you're worthless."
"Your neighbors hate you because you're not the kind of neighbor they wish they had."
"You're...."
Well, the list can go on as long as I want to think about it. Just like an addiction!
Here's a funny comparison between the perception and the reality. I just received my 2008 Annual Evaluation from by boss. It's the best evaluation I've ever received and I've always received incredibly good evaluations. My scores were high. His comments were beyond flattering. To read the evaluation, you'd think I'm the best thing since chunky peanut butter. And, there are only two people in our company who do what I do. One in the eastern US and me. I'm responsible for the area from Chicago to Hawaii, Alaska to Mexico. There are some pretty awesome people in my company, yet I'm the one they chose to be the Western Region Manager. I must be doing something right.
Yet, I went into my Evaluation Review with my boss thinking, "He'll probably tell me that he's going to have to let me go because I'm just not doing the job. He'll probably tell me I'm the worst Region Manager the world has ever seen."
I'm thrilled with my job (and the evaluation). I couldn't be happier with my family, my church, my life. But if I start thinking about it, I find myself desperately clinging to that old addiction - self depreciation. I use self-deprecating humor to try to deflect it, but on some level I must need to feel bad about myself.
Again I ask, where does that come from? I wish I was as confident as people think I am.
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5 comments:
I think you're saying what almost everyone thinks inside. We think you're a kick butt dad... for what it's worth.
It probably won't make a difference, Uncle Bob, but we think you ROCK.
And we send a huge congrats to you on your excellent review!
We all think you are awesome too.
Question: Who is Assistant To The Regional Manager?
There is no official Assistant to the Region Manager. I have a Senior District Manager, who could be considered my assistant, but not officially. Why?
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