HONEST...I'M NOT FEELING DOWN IN THE DUMPS

Most people who know me are surprised, when they get to know me better, to find out that I have incredibly low self-esteem. I've fought it all my life. Even when I'm happy and successful, I feel like I'm a loser.

Where does that come from? Some say it's a tool Satan uses to make us miserable. Some say it's a chemical thing. Some say it's hereditary. I think it might be a combination of all those things.

Some people are addicted to smoking, drugs, alcohol, food, pornography, and other things. When I think about self-esteem issues, it's like an addiction. I go to my Unhappy Place and say,

"You're the worst Father ever."

"You're the worst husband ever."

"There has never been a worse Manager in the history of business."

"You're a crappy church member."

"Not only your immediate family, but your entire family, near and far, world-wide, hate you."

"Your God is very disappointed with you. He thinks you're worthless."

"Your neighbors hate you because you're not the kind of neighbor they wish they had."

"You're...."

Well, the list can go on as long as I want to think about it. Just like an addiction!

Here's a funny comparison between the perception and the reality. I just received my 2008 Annual Evaluation from by boss. It's the best evaluation I've ever received and I've always received incredibly good evaluations. My scores were high. His comments were beyond flattering. To read the evaluation, you'd think I'm the best thing since chunky peanut butter. And, there are only two people in our company who do what I do. One in the eastern US and me. I'm responsible for the area from Chicago to Hawaii, Alaska to Mexico. There are some pretty awesome people in my company, yet I'm the one they chose to be the Western Region Manager. I must be doing something right.

Yet, I went into my Evaluation Review with my boss thinking, "He'll probably tell me that he's going to have to let me go because I'm just not doing the job. He'll probably tell me I'm the worst Region Manager the world has ever seen."

I'm thrilled with my job (and the evaluation). I couldn't be happier with my family, my church, my life. But if I start thinking about it, I find myself desperately clinging to that old addiction - self depreciation. I use self-deprecating humor to try to deflect it, but on some level I must need to feel bad about myself.

Again I ask, where does that come from? I wish I was as confident as people think I am.

GRANDCHILD #10

This beautiful little girl is Rebekah Ashton Martin, daughter of Billy and Shelly Martin. Billy is my eldest son. Shelly is the one who undid most of the damage I did to Billy and made him the man he is today.

Anyway, back to Rebekah. One of the only things about my life that bums me out is living so far away from Billy/Shelly and kids, Bobo, and Dano/Tera and kids. I know I love them the same as I love the Utah family, but since we don't see them very often, it seems like they're not a regular part of the family. I haven't even been able to cuddle little Rebekah yet. I've smooched on Daisy a time or two, but not Rebekah...yet.



By the way, I borrowed these photos from Billy's family blog. I hope he doesn't mind.

We're waiting to find out when Rebekah is going to be blessed, so we can arrange a trip to Las Vegas.

Then Rebekah will get her smooches and hugs. I have lots of catching up to do in that department with all the Las Vegas grandkids.

Being a Papa is great. Living so far away from the grandkids isn't.

INTRODUCING DAISY NORA MARTIN

Daisy was born on Monday, February 16, 2009. She is 6 lbs 12 oz and 19" long. She has tons of brown hair. And is very cute. Joni, Jenna, and Karen are taking turns helping out with Boyd and Lucy. The kids really don't like the changes in their normal schedules. They are big creatures of habit and we don't always do things they way they're used to it, so the kids aren't very comfortable with all the changes.



Boyd and Lucy understand that this is the Daisy that was in Mom's tummy, but they're not really sure about her yet. Boyd has tried to pry her eyes open and Lucy just wants to play with her.



If you want to see close up photos of Daisy, go to Jenna's Blog under My Favorite Blogs.

So far, we love Daisy just as much as we love Boyd and Lucy.

Now we are just dying to get to Las Vegas to see Rebekah Ashton Martin, our other beautiful new granddaughter.

A LAZY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Karen and I had a great Valentine's Day yesterday. We did almost nothing!! We started our day by sleeping in until 8:00 AM. That's late for me, but not quite late enough for her.

We enjoyed a few moments together talking about our family and our history together and then had some breakfast.



We went on a couple of errands. We rattled around the house a little. We went out for an EZ Take Out Burger.

We rattled around the house some more.

Then went to bed.

What a lazy day...but a great one!